Growing pains

I think I'm growing a bit these days.

My first revelation is that it's unfair to judge anyone because you can never know everything that is going on with that other person. Unless you know all the factors how can you say whether someone is doing or not the right thing. This has to do with my last post and with my previous rants mainly about doctors. I got to understand a bit more about a couple of doctors that I complained about in the past. I got to see how one of them is really trying to do things better and I think this is what is important: continuous improvement rather than perfection.

My second growing point and the answer to all the people that get to my blog by searching for "is social anxiety ever going away" and "emotional immaturity" is that I will live with social anxiety for the rest of my life. It will not get better. I might lose jobs, opportunities, friends, relationships, etc. over this and this is OK. Other people are losing jobs, opportunities, friends, relationships, etc. over other things. I will have to accept it, live with myself, get over it as fast as possible and move on. Emotional waves will come and go, some will be stronger and more painful than others. I just need to know that they all will go away eventually.

I met someone that might be useful in achieving my impossible dream. I was breathless, speechless, said the wrong things, had the wrong attitude. It will not go away. I might fix it by sending an email or going back, or maybe not, but the only way to get that job is to continue to do this over and over again until it becomes so normal that I can do it without overwhelming emotions or until someone will be able to see through the emotional content. Either way the emotional maturity and the social anxiety won't matter anymore. The only person that this is a big deal for is myself.

It was painful to see someone interested in what I had to say and seeing me running away from talking about what I want to talk about most.

I will try to work on a marketing speech to help me get through easier, but I will expect even this to fail. I cannot win if I will always run away.