Mar 19, 2007

Welcome back, Ileana

I'm back! Where have I been? In my anxiety world. What did I do there? Not much: mostly bitched about everyone and everything, pushing everybody away. Not fun to be there for either me or anyone around me.

It was my birthday. Happy St. Patrick's day! I don't like birthdays, I don't like Christmas. The burden of putting a happy face for everyone is too much for me. I don't know why. Over the years I got to almost perfection in pushing everybody away. It is my leave me alone day. I can't understand why people like parties... It's not that I don't like attention on me... I love to teach or present to a conference.

The blog... I have statistics counter now and I can see that some of you faithfully came over to check what's new on the blog. I wanted to write something, but it wasn't nice and I felt guilty to burden you that are persistent in reading my blog. I know everybody has bad days, but this was so dark. I felt there's nothing to say anymore. All my dreams were gone, all the good stuff I could do was gone. I wanted to delete the whole blog, I wanted to run away and disappear in the dark.

Today I went for a long drive. I love driving. It helps me think things through. And life is so much better. There's inspiration for the blog, there are nice ways to say things I was critical about before. Openness is possible again. The impossible dream didn't die after all.

Thank you so much my friends for checking on me. I'll try to keep above the sea level from now on... at least until Christmas... and then, I'll plan a long drive the day after Christmas.

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