Sep 25, 2007

Ending relationships

I just figured another SA quirk of mine. Another bulb was lit. What's nice about figuring these out is that once you realize what's going on, it becomes easy to recognize and easier to handle and it eventually goes away.

I mentioned that my doctor is leaving and I won't be seeing him. We had a very special relationship and it is sad.

However, when I first found out, I was thrilled. Whenever I am in a relationship, I am terrified by its ending. I don't enjoy what I have because I am scared of losing it. It was my nightmare that I will call to go see him with who knows what awful problem and I will find out that he's gone. Or that he will tell me that he doesn't want to see me anymore.

And this was so perfect. I am in a good place now, not many health-related issues lurking, nothing major going on, enough time to look for someone else, etc. What perfect timing! What opportunity to end a good relationship on good terms and put it on the shelf as a trophy and a proof that I can actually have a relationship.

So I am pretty good at starting a relationship, but then I am terrified that it will eventually end.

Even with my husband, I got confident enough lately that I am no longer scared of a divorce, I am pretty sure that we will separate by death, but I am often thinking about it. I don't wish it, but I am thinking at any moment what would I do if it happened. I need to be prepared for it at any time.

It's worse with friends. I am scared of commitment because I know that it will end. I'm afraid to start anything because I don't know how it will end and that I would lose everything I have.

1 comment:

Chele said...

Thank you for posting this. I am the same way. It's reassuring to know that recognizing the problem is the first step in the road to getting better.