Jun 22, 2007

I cracked the nut!

It's been hovering around for the couple of weeks, but I only figured the whole thing sometimes this week. I cracked the nut. I understand the cycle of my anxiety. I know how to stop it. And it worked just fine for the last couple of days. Is this all? Will I be happy forever? I am sure not, but I got a new threshold and it is higher.

So what is it? It's me! It's all about me being unhappy with myself. It's all about me wanting to do or be something else than I am. That's the cycle:

  • I want to be able to do something or be someone else
  • I get frustrated when I don't get it
  • I try harder and I say I can do it
  • When I fail, I get angry
  • I project my anger on someone else or I find a scapegoat
  • I get very critical about someone else
  • I either say what I feel - and I am smart, have good intuition and good memory - when I am critical, I am in general right on target and it hurts... badly
  • I don't say what I feel and I accumulate so much anger that it explodes at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places
  • I feel very bad about it
  • I start beating myself up and I find lots of situations when I was inadequate
  • I am unhappy for days and I hurt someone I care about.
That's it! Whenever I got angry or frustrated these past few days, I asked myself: what is it that I am unhappy with myself about? Do I really need to do this thing? And anger and frustration went away.

I wanted to communicate better with my mother. Because I didn't get there fast enough, I was annoyed and angry at her and me. I am OK now, but I had to let our relationship go where it will go without forcing it.

I got upset with my husband this morning because he was watching TV while we exercised. I realized that I was unhappy with me because I think I should encourage him to exercise more intense and I think the TV stops him from doing that.

I got upset when he asked whether we had spaghetti sauce... because I thought it was my duty to have the spaghetti sauce handy.

Is it really that simple? And why did it take so long to discover this? I have made so much discovery lately. There's so much to write, there's so much I understood! I hope I will be able to write it down these days and maybe help the next person visiting this blog.

I hope it lasts because the victory is so sweet and the long trip is all worth.

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